I admit that in the past I've been a nasty
They weren't kidding when they called me kinda strange
But you'll find that nowadays
I've mended all my ways
Repented, seen the light and made a change

And I fortunately know a little secret
It's a talent that I always have possessed
And here lately, please don't laugh
I use it on behalf
Of the miserable, lonely and depressed
(Pathetic)

Poor unfortunate souls
In pain
In need
This one longing to be thinner
This one wants to get the girl
And do I help them?
Yes, indeed
Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad
So true
They come flocking to me crying
"Will you help us will you please?"
And I help them?
Yes, I do

The men up there don't like a lot of blabber
They think a girl who gossips is a bore
Yes, on land it's much preferred
For ladies not to say a word
And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for?

They're not all that impressed with conversation
True gentlemen avoid it when they can
But they dote and swoon and fawn
On a lady who's withdrawn
It's she who holds her tongue who gets her man

Poor unfortunate souls
Go ahead!
Make your choice!
I'm a very busy person
And I haven't got all day
It won't cost much:
Just your voice!

Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad
So true
If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet
You've got to pay the toll
Take a gulp, take a breath
and go ahead, sign the scroll
(Nick and Kevin, now I've got her, boys)
The boss is on a roll

You poor unfortunate souls
In pain
In need
This one longing to be thinner
This one wants to get the girl
And do I help them?
Yes, indeed
Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad
So true
They come flocking to me crying
"Will you help us will you please?"
And I help them?
Yes, I do

Those poor unfortunate souls...